The sound of Winnie’s heart cracking intensified when the reminiscence of her heartbreak permeated the air. A part of her hated him with a vengeance for the way he made her feel. The other part of her realised that his presence and exit were a blessing in disguise. It taught her valuable lessons in life. Life was more complex than what she comprehended and finding genuine people was harder than a needle in the haystack. The sight of personalised nicknames for each other would send her emotions on a train of tears. It is for this reason that she avoided their favourite haunts. She wasn’t prepared to fight the emotional demons.
As the pilot’s voice reverberated through the cockpit, welcoming all of the passengers to Perth, her lips curled into a small smile. Her heart expanded with exuberance to be in the loving arms of this place, a place where she could begin the journey of healing. While it was crystal clear that evading the demons was not the perfect solution, watching the blossoming sparks of fire between the two good friends was reminiscent of what she lost. It threatened to break her resolve and plunge her into the dark, depressive days. Had she told them the real reason behind her departure, they would suppress their feelings for each other to respect her thoughts. It would be unreasonable for her to prevent them from seeking happiness in each other. It was not her wish to see them in a state of misery therefore it was in their best interests that she transferred her degree interstate - even if it meant bidding them adieu.
Katrina was in the kitchen, whipping herself some pancakes when her Messenger rang with a notification. It was Brendan, whose panicked voice reverberated through the message when he asked if Winnie had been in touch with her. His messages went unanswered and it wasn’t like her to ignore messages for days. Although Katrina wasn’t suspicious because Winnie had the tendency to isolate herself when she needed space, she was egged on to check up on her by Brendan’s worry. It didn’t take her long to realise that there was more to Winnie’s absence than meets the eye. It was more than a fortnight since their last contact with Winnie, which drove her to file a missing person’s report… until she found something on her Facebook.
Thoughts running through my head6:00 PM
The title post is from the song "Angels" by Robbie Williams.
Hello there, my readers!
I'm upset and annoyed for not fulfilling the personal goal of attaining a distinction for one of my electives. I know I’ve done my best and relieved that it’s a credit. It’s an assignment-based elective, so had I failed it, I might have to retake the course, which will definitely be the death of me in Sem 2, 2017. For some, a bare credit would have been a relief. Not me; I’m disappointed in myself that I scrapped a bare credit. Has my knowledge dipped in that course to the point where that's my best? Or did I suffer from the serious case of mismanagement of time and a stress overload in silence?
Before I lose the fervour for the degree, it's about time that I set a realistic ambition for my grades. Don't get me wrong. I was never this obsessed. Sure, I was ambitious but not to this stage until college time. People have always said that you need to enjoy your college experience because you only live through it once. That’s true, and that made CPU more memorable in my heart. The truth is I don't think my university experience can be compared to my college one - not by a million miles.
Due to unknown reasons, I can't seem to achieve most of the goals. The catalyst could be anything from the environment, mental exhaustion to the continuous pressure on myself. Not to mention, I can be hard on myself. A little too hard, you could say. I’ve shed tears over a History presentation and lied upfront to a mate that I was alright. I’ve experienced incidents where my eyes would burn after I’ve received a lower result. It’s like you’ve given your all but nothing's going in the right direction. The disappointment can be a hard thing to swallow like a bitter cough syrup. Being hard on myself definitely brings out the worse in me. It causes emotional outbursts that could lead to either damaged doors or a basket load of tissue papers. I’ve never allowed anyone - not even close friends - to see me in tears because what's the point?
Oh gosh, am I back to those days when I used to have late-night snacks?
I need the occasional timeout where I’m left alone to my devices, away from humans and emotions, to recover and realign my thinking. I need the healthy balance between me, studies, blogging, and volunteering duties. One wrong move, and it’s a nervous breakdown I’ll have to deal with instead. It’ll derail everything that I longed and dreamt for. Maybe I hadn't thrown myself into studies in the same manner as CPU, which may explain why I’m frazzled. You see, academic stress has messed with my psyche until I’m contented on spending time indoors alone rather than breathing the fresh air outdoors. The rational side, however, is fully conscious that humans need the occasional interaction with homo sapiens. That's the main reason why I actually force myself to socialise and hang out with friends periodically. The friendships will slip through the cracks if we don't make an effort to maintain it.
Friends. Isn't everyone swearing on their lives that they’ll be there as a friend for better or for worse? Then, why can’t I shake the fear that I’ll be taken advantage of and manipulated like a ragdoll by people close to me? It's happened before, so how can I be sure that it won’t occur unless I adopt a mafia stance? I mean, we are all competitors for the coveted spot. It's easy for anyone including myself to say that they are a friend unless their actions can prove themselves. While I’m willing to be of help, it’s not at the expense of me being the ladder. Put it this way, I’m there when I’m needed, but when it is my turn, most, if not all, flee the scene like wanted criminals.
What's worse, folks have said that I’m overthinking or imagining things. It's not the best thing to say to a person who merely needs a pair of non-judgmental ears to ensure that she's not sliding down the wrong track.
My brain must've suffered a bout of mental harm after all those intense studying with no break in between.
What's frightening me is the possibility that I might be unable to empathise with people. I can make the appropriate noises and facial expressions for sad or joyous news but chances are I’m not feeling the vibe. You can blabber away about something awful or exuberant and I’ll be looking at you like, and your point being? Don't feel bad when I do that. It's not your fault, it's mine. I can handle it if the cause is from stress, not depression or anxiety. A lot has been going on and I’m a worrisome person by nature. I know what you're thinking. I should see a psychiatrist and change my cognitive approach. Easier said than done. While I’ve no fear of them, I already know what their advice would be: you're stressed.
Time to prioritise - and, pelicans, you're right: I need to start taking better care of myself. On that grounds, I'll be taking temporary leave from the blogosphere. I'm heading somewhere (abroad, that is) to clear the congested mind and, hopefully, regain the mojo that I've lost.
Flight's tomorrow morning and I really should be packing now...
Her reflection in the mirror glued her to the ground that she stood in horror.
Her eyes lacked exuberance. It resembled someone who didn't have anything in life to live for. Her skin was wrinkled and not supple. Her hair was coarse, stringy and devoid of any life. Fighting a battle she would never win drained her positivity and emotions and left her feeling helpless. Her tortured soul dragged her underwater and she didn’t know how long she could fight the currents. She needed help - and fast - but didn’t know where or who to turn to.
“There’s one,” a little voice reminded her. “Think harder.”
The only trustworthy friend who would bury her secrets with him.
She shoved at her hair, unsure if she desired to expose her weaker side to him. It would require him to make sacrifices that she didn’t want him to. The poor chap had issues of his own to resolve, which came at the price of studying abroad, and she, being of the reasonable mind, refused to increase the burden on his shoulders. He had a bright future ahead of him: excellent grades, a scholarship, a promising career in the field of science or medicine, and an internship in the works. It was not worth the risk for him.
“No. I’m not letting my dilemma or difficulties stand in his way of attaining success. He’s come too far to risk anything.”
Thrown deep into the ocean and not in control of her mind, she spied the prescription container of sleeping pills and emptied its contents onto her palm. Although her line of studies warned her of the dangerous consequences of disobeying her doctor’s instructions, she could no longer summon the energy to fight the demons as her body grew weary. She reached out to the nearest bottle - a Cabernet Sauvignon - and drained it.
Screams reverberated in the air when her trustworthy friend discovered her slumped on the floor with a head injury. A barren bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon stood on the wooden coffee table and there was a blood stain at the end of her dining table, which led him to assume that she whacked her head on it as she lost consciousness and collapsed. He paled as he dialled for emergency on his iPhone and prayed for her survival while waiting for assistance.
“No,” he howled with panic and cradled her in his arms. “Don’t you dare leave me without a proper adieu!”
She heard his pleas from a distance and couldn’t respond to him. She felt that she was as light as a feather and floating, ridden of the earthy worries, as a greater, peaceful force lugged her soul towards the white light.
He gingerly entered the ward for the fear of disturbing her rest and slid her hands into his while he absorbed the silence that grew between them, but save for the soft beeping of the breathing machine next to her. He stared at her limp body with tears that watered a thousand sunflowers. If only he was aware about her emotional pain, he would’ve ensured in his capacity that she wouldn’t be suffering alone.
“She suffered from an overdose,” the attending physician had mentioned to him. “We’ve pumped the contents from her stomach, so she’ll survive and make a full recovery soon.”
He remembered that her face was drawn with a genuine, bright smile in his presence and although he detected the faint trace of exhaustion in her eyes, it never dawned on him to inquire or grill her about it. He respected her enough to understand that she would spill the beans if it was important. Knowing her, he chalked it to her academic stress and ambitious goals, but now blamed himself for not pressing further. He should’ve pressed her further until she caved under the pressure.
At least she wouldn't be in the fragile state that she is in now.
At least she wouldn't have taken such a drastic action.
“Why did you choose to endure on your own? I promised that I’ll be there for you no matter what and will keep true to my words. You could’ve shared your pain and sorrows with me, it's fine. I wouldn't have let you suffered in silence.”
I dreamt that I wanted to buy a birthday cake for my boyfriend. I eventually decided that it was best to patronise the one owned by his sister - because a sibling will know more than a boyfriend or girlfriend. Officers who resembled like the ones from city council entered. I’m not sure what ensued, but I had to call the boyfriend himself and ask the officer to speak to him when they refused to elaborate on their visit.
The boyfriend’s sister was petrified and wanted to go home, leaving her supervisor to run the show for the rest of the day. Worried for her safety, I said I’ll send her home. At least nothing untoward will happen en-route.
She paled, whinging that she was having blurred vision. I knew that it was a sign of low blood sugar and made our way to the convenience store. On duty was my college friend - let's call him E - who looked as surprised to see me as I was to him. While she replenished her bodily fuel with a bowl of noodles and yoghurt, E and I engaged in small talk while he rang my purchases up. E continued to elaborate that he’s still in a stable relationship with his girlfriend, which was a good thing to hear.
When the entrance bell chimed, we both looked to see the same city officer walking in. I rolled my eyes at the unwanted coincidence.
In the next scene, I was attending an international law tutorial. The tutor was grilling us to help with our understanding of the concepts. Opinio juris and jus bello echoed around the room. The next thing I know, I was checking Snapchat and saw someone's name. The very person who, I reckon, would rather have nothing to do with me in reality now.
My interpretation goes along the lines of my desire to sink my face in a slice of Chicago Cheesecake and a venti-sized Cocoa Cappuccino or Green Tea Latte (which will send me straight to the toilet with the diarrhoea due to the amount of milk). Now, I can’t quite fathom why my college friend, E - my classmate in Writer’s Craft - would appear in my dream. I mean, it's not like we’ve in touch all these while. He knows the person in the Snapchat scene; we’re all classmates for the same subject.
As for the tutorial, it's lucid that I miss the three lecturers as they made it entertaining and interesting for the students. It's safe to assume that I want to turn back time and excel in that course. A credit was comforting, but it’d have been nicer if I didn't bust the final paper and lose that 7%.
Oh, well, talk about trial and error.
Exhausted Thoughts3:34 PM
Life is a journey full of unexpected turns with varying consequences. We are all affected by our choices - one way or the other. #thoughts #throwback #spring #adventures #southaustraliaA photo posted by Ciana Carrie (@thetemperamentalist) on
I don’t want to believe it yet I know I have to.
I was never able to listen to a particular song - not naming it publicly because of its sensitivity - because it would tear me to shreds. Yet, the emotional lyrics now resonate with me. Maybe I’m weary of wearing the mask of strength and independence. I’ll admit that I crave the stability and familiarity that the past once afforded. The practical side is lucid that there’s no way of living in the present if there’s continuous temptation to return to the past.
You may wonder why today’s post carries such an emotional tone. The truth is, I’m bushed - exhausted of tripping over obstacles thrown my way as I scale the mountainous path, be it personal goals or academic success. Yet, I force myself to continue with the journey because there’s no turning back.
If I pull the plug now, all my previous efforts would be wasted.
The truth is it’s getting tougher to hang on to the rocky cliffs of my journey. I’ve made the conscious decision, even in the shroud of stress, to hide the emotional feelings from among my friends. For me, the detriments outweigh the benefits. I’m not suggesting that one should suppress their feelings. It’s precarious to do so. What I’m expressing is that it depends on the circumstances and who you confide it. For my case, it could expose me to risks that I’m unwilling to undertake although my good friends would fight tooth and nail to get me to spill like an open pack of M&M’s. I know them; they’d rather cry and curse with me than to let me face it alone. The action of confiding is done in good faith and I don’t know whether I’m still capable of trusting anyone.
So there you go.
Trust issues combined with an accumulation of stress.
Ask me anything, I’ll speak.
Ask me about personal and academic matters, I’ll recoil on the defensive.
It's better for me to blend in with the crowd rather than shine. It's easier said than done in the environment that I'm in. As a Sagittarius, when I want something, it will take a lot to persuade me otherwise. That lands me in a cauldron of unwanted matters, which I've slightly insinuated in one of the previous posts. I'm sure that the main reason why it occurred was because of my inability to remain under the radar.
Let me explain myself.
While I'd rather keep my opinions to myself, I find it arduous to sit back with a packet of popcorns and watch other homo sapiens have a piece of the pie. It's been ingrained in me since college that I'll never let anyone label me as an underdog without fighting against the currents. We're all equally created and our only difference is the way we plan our life's journey - with only a pair of hands and a brain as our tools. Sure, if there's no sacrifice thrown into the fireplace, you won't appreciate the rewards. It makes sense; you need to experience hardship before you appreciate success. That, I understand - but not to the extent where you're both unable to reap what you sow and under the weather.
Maybe a vacation to the lovely refuge would do some soul good - only if the exchange rate can be improved, ugh.
Perplexed Animosity3:32 PM
I dreamt that we were involved in fighting scenes. One was precariously close to the edge of a swimming pool, which frightened me because I can’t swim. Relieved and spent, we huddled around a table for a discussion when my Criminal Law coursemate barged in with a charcoal. Annoyance spewed from his ears. He couldn’t believe that history repeated itself and we were stuck in the same seminars again. As if that wasn’t bad enough to soil my day, I smashed my spectacles into pieces.
In the next scene, we were all dolled up in formal wear and en-route to an official function when our cars were overpowered by bad people. We, however, managed to throw them out of the car. There was another scene at the airport, where a group of us - including me - was held hostage inside while on our way to catch our respective flights out of the country. We were released when someone resembling Superwoman came to our rescue.
When I returned home, I was a tad bit upset but resigned to the fact that I didn't get a credit for my creative writing research essay. The final mark was only a high pass of 63.
I don’t have to interpret the fighting scenes because I was watching Totally Spies on YouTube before bed. It’s safe to assume that my subconscious was heavily influenced by the intensity that it was projected in the dream. The part that I’m flummoxed about is the presence of the Criminal Law chap. Dreams don’t usually throw me awake unless it’s realistic or emotional. This one felt… like it’s a precursor to something that will happen. Plus, it’s not like we’re in constant contact - the last time I saw him was at the Showgrounds before the exam. Even in the dream, my sixth sense kept hinting that it'd be in DRE, not Corporate that we'll cross paths - but we'll see what happens when the time comes.
I can’t break the dream apart because I don’t know where to start.
Masked Emotions11:20 AM
I dreamt that part of my job designation included the planning of an upcoming convention for the board of directors who were flying in to attend. This had to be conducted via email with the folks on the other side because of the geographical location involved. The renovation guys next door rang me and insisted that I sprint to the site because something interesting was occurring inside the property.
Yeah, my house.
I arrived at the lakefront property to find an extra pair of guy shoes at the doorstep. Those guys denied that it was theirs, which let me frozen for a while before I digested the news and flipped. The only other person having access to the property is my sister. I didn’t enter because I knew what occurred: my sister must have brought a guy over without my prior knowledge and consent. I stood facing the lake and gathered my breath. I didn’t want to create a scene and embarrass everyone present. My brother arrived and asked for more details, but I thumbed towards the house. It was better for him to check things out for himself. Chaos immediately ensued not longer after he entered the house. I presume that he confronted the owner of the shoes and reprimanded him.
Desiring to take my mind off things, I watched a play and the finale was a female lead curled on the floor, unconscious. The male lead knelt next to her and embraced her in his arms.
I'm not sure how to interpret the dream. If needs be, the house in the dream is a metaphor for my heart. The lake, a visual representation of serenity. The chaos, an indication of the state of disarray I am in. Perhaps the dream is attempting to warn me that I’m emotionally spent and need a break from everything. For a more concrete interpretation, I’ll have to extract the important elements from the dream for a separate analysis before patching them back together for an explanation.
So, my readers, what do you think?
Say hello!3:01 PM
Now that I’m done with my exams, I can record the dream that I had a couple of days before the Administrative Law exam. The dream obviously contained more information, but because I was drifting in and out of consciousness, I could only remember certain bits of it.
I dreamt that my friend - the only identity that I have is that it is a guy, not someone that I know in Adelaide or Subang - and I were at a riverbank, doing our own thing, as part of large entourage of friends. It could’ve been a picnic or s weekend barbecue. We were in the midst of a banter and I was squinting to avoid the sun’s nasty glare when my peripheral vision spotted 6 Australian pelicans (like the one in the attached photograph) with full bills in sight swimming towards us.
A check with the dream bible indicated a twinge of selfless and charity blended with a hint of disappointment. Since I had this dream before admin law, could this possibly mean that I’m in for some heartbreaks? Or, is it not related to academics? I guess it is also safe to assume that the arrival of pelicans was a self-directed question as to how I’m taking care of myself - and whether I’m spending enough time on me. If you ask me, it makes sense because I’m frazzled. To have dealt with so many unexpected matters only increased the amount of pressure I was under - to the point where I barely slept. Maybe it’s the subconscious pleading for me to improve on my well-being.
I look great, but I feel trashy.
Halfway Mark10:09 PM
It’s that time again, sigh. No, no, don’t get me wrong. I’m not whinging about the exams. With the completion of the final test for Indo-Pacific Foreign Policy, this signals the end of my sophomore year. It means that I’ve endured half the battle, which hints that I need to hibernate to regain the mental and emotional energy that was lost in the process.
Don’t judge; I’m crawling my way through the Administrative Law revision and the fact that I barely understood the first 3 weeks ain’t helping me either.
Freshman year was alright; it was fun and games while I struggled to find my footing in law school. When I voiced my desire to pursue a degree in liberal or creative arts, my relatives continuously expressed their disapproval with the number one question being whether I’m able to secure a job uin the field of my choice. Don’t get me wrong, I’m alright with reading law. The part that bugs me is the feeling that I didn’t receive my fair share of the pie. No one in my family is a law graduate, so I never knew the pros and cons of law school until I landed head first in a pool of… sharks.
Oh, boy, did I just write that?!
Did I just compare all of the law students to sharks? *facepalm*
The idea of doing law may resonate with some students, but let me tell you that you’ll have to think thrice about boarding this ship. I’m speaking from my personal experience here and as everyone’s experience in law school is different, feel free to disagree with me. It’s a dog-eat-dog place where you’ve to be cautious of everyone around you. Things will be murkier when you’re an international students who is unaware of the presence of the elites. To be honest, I never expected that I’ll run into kids from private schools. I was already under so much personal and academic pressure that it was tough to deal with them. It took me an entire semester and the winter flight home before I could handle it. But hey, at least I found myself a couple of good friends along the way to smoothen the creases that crept up in my academic journey. One of them is graduating next semester and I’m not sure how I’d react when we see each other in person for the last time at the ceremony. One thing’s for sure; I’ll have to convince myself to maintain a happy smile and to instead send him off with a hug and my best wishes.
Thank you (you know who you are, lol) for allowing me to stumble upon this song. It is a good motivational song for me because it reminds me to bite the tree bark in persistence. Life may throw crazy lemons and expose you to stinky people, but, at the end, success will be waiting to greet you with a truthful embrace.
I’m not sure what to take from the dream because this has never occurred in real life. I'm not sure if it's me or not, but, after stewing on it for a while, I noticed that the dream has a slight flavor of love. Oops!
Maybe you, my readers, can help to give me some inputs as to what this dream is attempting to tell me.
I dreamt that my History mate and I arranged to meet up somewhere before we joined the bigger group waiting at the restaurant. It was his first time in the town, so I volunteered to bring him over to the final destination. He broke into a wide grin when he saw me walking towards me and we exchanged a long hug. It was in the middle of a public place, but it was neither in Adelaide nor in Darwin, where he is located at now. It was somewhere that I don’t recognize in real life. He dragged me by the wrist when we saw salespeople in the distance and insisted that we head to our final destination through another route. The bunch of other colleges mates were elated to greet him too. When we made ourselves comfortable at the table and I retrieved my diary to record our next hangout, one of the mates complimented on it and asked where I purchased it from. So, I told them that it was gifted by one of my former lecturers for my birthday.